Hey everyone!
I woke up feeling very contemplative. So, bear with me as I ramble on, but I think this hits a fair point for all of us.
After writing my last post, I realized something. I had asked that people grow up and act their age... that is something that will never happen. People never change, not unless they really want to, and let's face it, more times than not, everyone feels that they are not in the wrong, but those around them. This could be true in many situations, but honestly, I think we really do need to look at ourselves first.
I don't know how many times I had heard that someone was a jerk, or a b**ch to that said person. After listening to the story, one-sided of course, but after listening to the story, it always made me question what that person had done to the one who is getting bashed and trashed verbally. It all makes perfect sense now. You see, sometimes, you say or do something vaguely, and people are insecure enough to think that you're talking about them, or you're purposefully acting out negatively towards them. Instead of asking why you are doing what you're doing or saying, they lash out, they cut you off, they suddenly list you on their most hated list, and walk away. Deep down, you've always known that it was a matter of time before something like this was going to happen, as they've done it to all of their other friends and family members. They always make themselves out to be the victims, until you're the one that they toss to the curb, you always feel sorry for them, and sympathize, telling them that you're sorry they are going through what they are going through and talk smack about those they were bashing. Until you're in those "hated" people's shoes, you don't see what lies you've been fed, and how blown out of proportion those situations were really. It's not until you're in those shoes that you realize that it's a vicious cycle that has happened with everyone in that person's life, that for some unknown reason (at least to you), they are never happy, which would explain all of the complaining and the shopping sprees for things that are not vital in that moment.
Sometimes, singling out certain people from get togethers and other events could mean a lot of things, but the strongest meaning is that there is something that those people are doing right, which threatens the former. Whatever the reasons are for feeling threatened, no one but those threatened people will know. Those who are cast aside are left wondering what it is about them that no one likes. Honestly, I think that those people are living the lives in the manner that they want, and those who can't stand having them around, are angry that their lives are not the same as those they cast out.
I realize that my babbling is pretty vague. I know they are. I don't know how many times I had opened up to people that I thought were genuine, people that I thought were good people, those that I considered family, only to discover that I was blinded by the lies and acting of those people. It's funny how it takes you getting burned and mistreated by those around you, those you think are close to you, only to find that they were playing you. It could be that these people only want you around to make themselves feel better. They see that you are suffering from something, whether it's family related or not, and that makes them happy. They are happy because they have a better life than you do, but until that day comes when you discover that you're much better off, and you have an amazing life once you let go of the negative, then those people don't want you around. I actually knew a girl who, when I was dating Matt, told me that she didn't want to be my friend anymore because my life was great and hers wasn't. She didn't want to be around someone who was enjoying life. I realized that as much as I valued the friendship, it wasn't a friendship. No friend would turn their back on someone they consider a friend, simply because their life wasn't as bad as theirs.
I've come to realize that it's almost the same in several failed "friendships". I am not sure why people want to surround themselves with those unfortunate people who base friendships on who is in a better place than the other. Its not worth it, as life is too short.
Same is said of family. We make mistakes in our lives, but family, and sometimes even friends, are supposed to be there to help pick you up from those mistakes and help them through it. I've realized that I'll never really have that with certain members of my family. I've also realized that I never got that with those I thought were friends. Yes, I had someone to talk to about my problems, but that was pretty much it. I think those friends wanted to hear the negatives in my life so they could rub in the fact that they were better off. I feel a little guilty in writing that, especially because I think we were friends for a reason back then, but now, I realize that people don't ever change for the better, unless they really make an effort. I'm a pretty loyal person, and I keep going back to those who have treated me poorly, and I've learned to stop.
I realize that by mentioning certain things, might cause some waves, but I think there are already waves. I'm just adding to it. The way that I see it is this: Everyone is a fish, moving with the current...I am just going against it. Its that simple. People may hate me because of what I say, or the things that I may do, but at least I am not a mindless drone, doing the same things, complaining about the same things, or hating the same people for the things that I've caused them to do. As I fight the currents, I'll met new people, and maybe I'll convince some to move against the currents, but those that I have left behind me, will never see me again. I'm okay with that. Things happen for a reason, and there is always something better in store for us. We just have to wait until they make an appearance. There is a saying that people will show their true colors in time. This is very true. It just depends on how you want to decipher those colors. If you keep this hatred in your mind and heart, then all you will see is the negatives and you'll never know why these people are the way they are. If you look at the colors as what they are, then you're going to be a happier person in the long run.
I know this probably doesn't make a lot of sense, so let me break it down a little by showing this article that proves what I am saying. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but there is a lot of truth here...
If your favorite color is Red, you are action oriented with a deep need for physical fulfillment and to experience life through the five senses. The positives of Red are: physical courage, strength, warmth, energy, basic survival, 'fight or flight', stimulation, masculinity, excitement. The negatives: defiance, aggression, visual impact, strain, demanding.
If your favorite color is Orange, you have a great need to be with people, to socialize with them, and be accepted and respected as part of a group. You also have a need for challenges in your life, whether it is physical or social challenges. The positives of Orange: physical comfort, food, warmth, security, sensuality, passion, abundance, fun. The negatives: deprivation, frustration, frivolity, immaturity, lack of intellectual values.
If your favorite color is Yellow, it means you have a deep need for logical order in your everyday life and to be able to express your individuality by using your logical mind to inspire and create new ideas. The positives of Yellow: optimism, confidence, self-esteem, extroversion, emotional strength, friendliness, creativity. The negatives: irrationality, fear, emotional fragility, depression, anxiety, suicide.
If your favorite color is Green, you have a deep need to belong, to love and to be loved and to feel safe and secure. You need acceptance and acknowledgement from the everyday things that you do for other, just a "thank you" is sufficient. The positives of Green: harmony, balance, refreshment, universal love, rest, restoration, reassurance, environmental awareness, equilibrium, peace. The negatives: boredom, stagnation, blandness, enervation.
If your favorite color is Blue, you have a deep need to find inner peace and truth, to live life according to your ideals and beliefs without having to change your inflexible viewpoint of life to satisfy others. The positives of Blue: intelligence, communication, trust, efficiency, serenity, duty, logic, coolness, reflection, calm. The negatives: coldness, aloofness, lack of emotion, unfriendliness.
If your favorite color is Indigo, you have a need to feel in harmony and at one with the Universe and to be accepted by others as the aware and intuitive spiritual beings that they are.
If your favorite color is purple or violet, you have a deep need for emotional security and to create order and perfection in all areas of your life, including your spiritual life. You also have a deep need to initiate and participate in humanitarian projects, helping others in need. The positives of Purple, Violet, Indigo: spiritual awareness, containment, vision, luxury, authenticity, truth, quality. The negatives: introversion, decadence, suppression, inferiority, communicates cheap and nasty.
If your favorite color is Pink, you have a deep need to be accepted and loved unconditionally. The positives of Pink: Physical tranquillity, nurture, warmth, femininity, love, sexuality, survival of the species. The negative: inhibition, emotional claustrophobia, emasculation, physical weakness, draining.
If your favorite color is Turquoise, your deepest need is to create emotional balance in your life, to be able to express your hopes and dreams no matter how idealistic they may be and to make your ow way in the world under your own terms.
If your favorite color is magenta, you and a non-conformist who sees life from a different point of view.
If your favorite color is Brown, you have a deep need for a safe, secure, simple and comfortable existence with supportive family and friends. The positives: seriousness, warmth, nature, earthiness, reliability, support. Negatives: Lack of humor, heaviness, lack of sophistication, suppressive.
If your favorite color is Black, you have a need for power and control in order to protect their own emotional insecurities. The positives: sophistication, glamour, security, emotional safety, efficiency, substance. The negatives: oppression, coldness, menace, heaviness, seriousness.
If your favorite color is White, your deepest need is for simplicity in your own life and to be independent and self-reliant so you do not need to depend on anyone else. The positives: hygiene, sterility, clarity, purity, cleanness, simplicity, sophistication, efficiency. The negatives: sterility, coldness, barriers, unfriendliness, elitism, heightened perception of space.
If your favorite color is Gray, you are the middle of the road type, cool, conserved, composed and reliable. You tend to conform just to keep the peace. The positives: psychological neutrality. The negatives: lack of confidence, dampness, depression, hibernation, lack of energy, fear of exposure.
If your favorite color is Silver, you are intuitive and insightful and have a strong connection with a higher spiritual guidance.
If your favorite color is Gold, you radiate charisma, personality and individuality, making others feel relaxed and valued in your company.
Now, I know that by posting this, you might think that I am over-reaching the point. I know that the saying doesn't necessarily mean literally. However, if you read it carefully, and be honest, you'll notice that the things that are said, are exactly right. I had a friend who loved pink. What I read and wrote, hit the nail. I also had a friend who loved purple and gray, and once again, it was right on. I have family members who love yellow, and etc. You get my point. It could be that the "true colors" that we seem to be facing when the world comes crashing down around us, they where always in front of us to begin with, we just didn't think anything of it before we had our little fights. Of course, I am sure that I'll be told that none of it is true, and that is okay. I somehow think that it is.
People tend to like things that are true in their very nature, or essence. As humans, we are naturally drawn to things and people who are our equals. The poor hang out with the poor, the ugly marry the ugly and the pretty marry the pretty. The same is said about brains, likes, dislikes, friends and so forth. It's only normal to want to be an equal to those around us. If for some reason, we find ourselves in the presence of those that we feel are not up to our level, or if we feel they are higher than we are, we disassociate ourselves, it's normal. They downside of such feelings, is that we tend to make waves. We find a reason to disconnect from them. We fight, we nitpick until someone snaps, we lie, we treat them as though they are not worthy of our attention, and then we wonder what went wrong when we are all fighting. I think that sometimes, people are too afraid to speak the truth because of the reasons they've conjured up.
Being honest has become almost extinct these days. In reality, you cannot say that you've never lied, as we all have at one point or another, and some still do to this day, it's just that they are not lying to you, they are lying to themselves. They treat you poorly because they feel badly about themselves. They want to make themselves feel better, or make themselves feel as though they have some sort of self worth, and therefore they make sure that you feel like you're nothing of importance. If we could just look one another in the eye and just say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think that you are worth my time" or even saying the obvious," We have nothing in common, and I don't think that this is making a lot of sense for us to continue." Yes I know it sounds like a break-up, but wouldn't you rather have that, then being attacked for being you?
You can learn a lot about yourself in a short amount of time, as long as you're being honest with yourself. Most people can't even do that. Sometimes, people don't want to look at themselves with a honest mind, because they hate who they have become. They feel that they are perfect, they feel that there is nothing wrong with them, yet there are so many negative things happening to them. If you call those people out on something that they have done wrong, you better make sure you're prepared to face the consequences of that. I've done that. I'll be honest. I've called people out before on things that they have said to me, and sometimes, I make a subtle remark, that suddenly I'm suffering for their guilty conscious because they were caught and not realizing they'd be called on it. It's normal. People don't like to be told they are in the wrong, they don't like to be made out as the bad guys...remember I mentioned that people like to be viewed as the victims? Sometimes, being the victim can make you seem whiny and not worth being around, as that is all you do. I'll admit again, that I've done my fair share of complaining, but no more. I'm actually taking responsibility for my actions, and I'm changing.
As I said before, people don't really change, not unless they really want to. I've been making a point to change for years. I've seen a difference. I know that others have seen a difference too, which is one reason that some people have walked away from me, and others have come forward into my life. I'm not going to let something stupid affect me life in the negative way. I am a better person than that. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life wondering why the people who lied to me walked away, it's not worth my time. There are just somethings that are better left behind me in the currents as they continue to drift away with the rest of the guppies.
I'm truly looking forward to moving to Craig. It will be like hitting the reset button, letting go of all of the negatives that this town holds, all of the drama and starting over new. The best part about starting over, is realizing that you can become that person that you've always wanted to. Leave all the bad behind you, and start fresh, make new friends, have better opportunities (like a photography studio), and being able to be relaxed enough to enjoy your life as it was meant to. I wish that everyone could have a fresh start, but people don't like to change, and they tend to stick around what they know best. Sadly, a large part of the population only know the negatives and refuse to move on. I'm not one of those people.
So, I apologize for this novel. As I mentioned at the beginning, I woke up feeling quite contemplative and just had to let this out there. I'm very blessed to have the amazing friends that I have, who have supported me in every way, good or bad, happy or sad, and I know that I will still have those friends, no matter where I move to. Same goes with the small amount of family that I have left. With their unwavering love and support, no matter how crazy the family can be at times, I still have one, and I'm grateful for their acknowledgement. I am also really blessed that I have an amazing husband, who supports me in every way a person can be, and continues to encourage my dreams and supports them, no matter how silly they may be to those around me. I am blessed to have been able to go over seas with him, exploring places and making memories. Not many people have that opportunity, and I'm grateful that I have been given them. I can't wait to see where we go next, and what our lives will have in store for us. I know that my life is far from "perfect", but it's perfect to me. I wouldn't change a thing about it, and I'm so happy to have this life to look forward to.
So, I guess that is all of the profound moments that I have for one morning. I'll try to update you on the things going on around here when I have more time, since I've spent my free time on this quandary.
Until next time!
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